The Quote Book of weasel_magnum with significant input from moi

[csi_sanders1129]

~The Quote Book~

Jessica (Putting together her new laptop): Yes, I’m aware that’s what it comes with, but the question is: How does it work?

 

Zach (Playing multiplayer in 007: Nightfire with Ryan): Uh, Ryan, that wasn’t a flare. It was a homing missile.

Ryan: …What?

 

Zach (Watching a Freddy Krueger movie with Jessica): Only you could fall asleep during a horror movie about nightmares.

 

Zach: I don’t get it! If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?!

 

Jessica: (trying to repeat above line) I don’t get it! If olive oil is made from babies--- Wait!

 

Ryan (About Spider-Man): Why is it those web spinner things of his never get clogged?

Zach: I don’t know. Maybe he uses Drain-O or something.

 

Zach (About a ‘How-Well-Do-You-Know-Me’ Quiz): I aced your quiz.

Kaitlyn: That’s amazing!

Zach: Not really.

Kaitlyn: Huh?

Zach: I cheated.

 

Kaitlyn (Asking Zach how to cheat on the aforementioned quiz): How did you do it?

Zach: I’ll tell you after you take my quiz.

Kaitlyn: Fine.

Zach: I almost told you for a second there, but then I went ‘WAAAAIT a minute!’.

 

Zach: It’s like a curse. If I discover something, I automatically tell everyone. Hopefully I’ll never discover the secret to world domination. We’ll all be FUCKED.

 

Kaitlyn (Regarding a question on the quiz): How did you get the first one right…?

Zach: Oh, I didn’t cheat for that one.

Kaitlyn: Then how did you know?

Zach: No one ever puts an ‘All of the above’ option if it isn’t the answer. That’s just a fact.

 

Zach: I can’t wait to tell Allison we’re breaking up!

Ryan: Breaking up? You were never together!

 

Zach: Somewhere, there’s a cult devoted to Google. There has to be. But how do I find it? Well, since Google is the answer to all, I could probably just Google ‘Google Cults’. God, I love Google!

 

Kaitlyn: Have you heard MCR’s new song?

Zach: No. I don’t like MCR.

Kaitlyn: What?! You’re crazy!

Zach: We’ve had this conversation before, and in it, you said you hate MCR. Are we in an AU or something?

 

Kaitlyn: You remembered something? *Applause*

 

Zach: Maybe you were asleep. Asleep at the keyboard. Yeah, maybe you were sleep-typing.

 

Zach: I thought I slept this morning.

Kaitlyn: What do you mean?

Zach: I laid in bed for three hours, cause I didn’t want to get up. When I finally did, I was sure it’d be like noon, but it was actually nine o’ clock.

Kaitlyn: Weird.

Zach: Seriously, it’s like God decided to turn the Sun on early.

Kaitlyn: It’s called Daylight Savings.

Zach: Well it’s stupid. All the clocks are confusing now.

Kaitlyn: Just set them forward an hour.

Zach: And this one behind me has been blinking since the power outage last week. I’m just to lazy to hit the button and make it stop.

 

Zach: But it’s all the way on the other side of the room! That’s very far in Lazy-Measurements. Because we were too lazy to actually finish measuring it. We just guesstimated.

 

Zach: That reminds me. I haven’t procrastinated yet today… I’ll do it tomorrow.

 

Zach: A little light reading is always good when you’re too lazy to read a 007 novel. Especially the one I’ve been ‘reading’ for three months.

 

Zach: Maybe you and me are the only people on the Internet right now.

Kaitlyn: No, you forgot Jess.

Zach: Fine, three.

Kaitlyn: And three of my friends are on.

Zach: SIX!

 

Zach: Don’t talk to me about fresh breath. I just chewed 18 sticks of mint gum. My breath is a rainbow of minty goodness.

 

Jessica: Kimi wa baka desu. (You are an idiot)

Jamie-Lee: Hai, boku wa da. (Yes, I am.) Hey…. Wait a minute…

 

Zach: I am the Adolph Hitler of Grammar Nazis.

 

Zach: Holy Crap! That was close!

Jessica: Let me guess, you nearly fell down some bottomless pit of doom thing…?

Zach: No. A bottomless elevator shaft. I didn’t even know they had those! What could you possibly use that for?

 

Ryan: Do you know for sure you’re getting a Wii? Like, have you seen it?

Zach: Yes… I think… Maybe

Ryan: My mom’s been looking all over and can’t find one.

Zach: Great, now I’m all discouraged. Thanks a lot, Mr. Positive.

 

Kaitlyn: You use big words.

Zach: Antidisestablishmentarianism. Pnuemonoultramicroscopicovolcanociliconiosis. How’s that for big? Fear my mighty vocabulary!

 

Jessica: Antidisestablishmentarianism…? That’s actually a word?

Zach: Yeah.

Jessica: Shit.

 

Jessica: I’m losing my mind! Not that I ever had one.

 

Zach: There is only one thing in this entire store I’m willing to buy, but I can’t afford it. -_-

 

GameStop Clerk: Alright, can I see your license?

Zach: Err… I’m twelve…

 

Jessica (Listening to a CD with Zach): Stop singing.

Zach: It’s a habit. I can’t.

(Jessica changes song in mid-chorus)

Zach: Would you please stop doing that on every song?

Jessica: It’s a habit. I can’t.

 

(Jessica sneezes loudly)

(Zach gets up and picks up phone)

Jessica: What are you doing?

Zach: That was the ambassador of China. He says ‘bless you’.

 

Zach: Can I use your nail clippers?

Jessica: No.

Zach: Why?

Jessica: Cause I’ll never get them back.

Zach: Please.

Jessica: No.

Zach: PLEASE.

Jessica: Alright, fine.

Zach: Great, where are they?

Jessica: Good question.

 

Zach: You might like to play Star Ocean.

Jessica: I’ve seen you play Star Ocean. It’s the thing with Robin’s voice actor.

Zach: No, that was Tales of Symphonia.

Jessica: Well, I remember the box. It was fireworks or something.

Zach: It was space.

Jessica: And there were blue and purple lights and stuff on it.

Zach: You mean stars?

 

Ryan: Cancer? Is it contagious?

 

Zach: It’s not so much your driving as it is her yelling.

 

Jessica: Hey, Zach, you know there’s a trash can right here?

Zach: You mean the one I’m too lazy to use?

 

Ryan: Awkward pause…

 

(On Zach’s 1000^th forum post)

Strange: Please, say something epic on your next post.

Zach: Like what? Oh, crap!

 

Ryan: What was that thing we were gonna do but never did because the thing didn’t do it?

Jessica: ….What?

Zach (Gets Quote Book): Say that again.

 

DarkGhost: This isn’t a list thread.

Zach: But it is a video game thread, is it not?

Black Cerberus: It’s most certainly a thread.

 

Zach’s Mom: Who has the key?

Jessica: Not me.

Zach: Not me.

Zach’s Mom: Oh, I’ve got it.

Zach: I was waiting for Ryan to say ‘not me’.

 

Zach: Amp, if I got ‘Property of Hitman Forum’ tattooed on my chest, and flew to the Netherlands, would you sign me for validation?

Amp: What? 

 

Jessica (reading a review on a story): I'm absolutely speechless. Well, almost. I'm sane enough to leave a review, of course. I don't usually give lengthy reviews, anything over ten words is generally my limit, which annoys the hell out of my friend, but this... this deserves some newspaper article dubbing it completely amazing. The timeline this followed, their reactions to Jigsaw's attack... the realism... Just absoutely everything that this fic had was stunning and it's obvious that you are an excellent writer. I laughed, I cried, I screamed at the computer screen when Lawrence screamed at Adam. My God... I'm just... speechless."
Zach: You know I wrote that.

Jessica: Sure…  “This fic is very well done and I look forward to reading more from you.”

Zach: See? That alone sounds like me!

Jessica: It was written by someone named MorningHell.

Zach: And that doesn’t sound like something I’d make up? That’s my penname!

Jessica: Uh huh, I’m sure it is. You know its slash, right?”

Zach: So I had help.

Jessica: Yeah, right. And I take it you also wrote fics for 28 Days later, Underworld, Fantastic 4, Star Wars, Dawn of the Dead, Legacy of Kain –Whatever the hell that is—LXG, and the Matrix.

Zach: Yup.

Jessica: And are you a 21 year old girl living in California…?

Zach: Well, that killed it…

 

Kaitlyn: Beware. I’m PMSing.

Zach: *Backs away slowly*

 

Platinum: I’m going to hell for laughing at that.

Zach: Studies show that 98% of Hitman Forum will go to hell. So you may as well laugh without guilt. Either way, you’re headed south.

Aggie: Oh, no, not me. I’m headed up north, thank you.

Henry: *gasp* Not Canada!

 

Jessica: Can you find some lyrics for me? Daniel Powter, Bad Day

Zach: Bad Day? Is that why he’s pouting?

 

Jessica (Typing on laptop): A-D-A-M-L-A-W-R-E-N-C-E

*Error message noise*

Jessica: Fuck.

 

Zach: Holy jumped-up Jesus palomino!

 

Zach (About a werewolf movie): See?! I told you the priest was the werewolf! He was the first one I accused!

Jessica: No, first you accused the guy, then the girl, then the father, then the drunk father, the literally everybody except the priest, and then the priest.