The Journal of CSI_Sanders1129

So, my grandmother died today. We knew it was coming. She's been in the hospital for a while now, and she'd been in hospice since last Tuesday. Dad and his brothers had all been taking turns staying with her, and the doctor's had been saying 'any time now' and 'soon' all week. It was this morning, around 9, while he and his oldest brother were there. She'd had Shingles, and then developed pneumonia and some other unknown infection and didn't get better. We saw her on Monday, before they moved her out of the hospital. She recognized us, asked about the Ravens game, told my brother he looked good after his surgery.

God, it was hard.

We've always been close. She was the closest out of all my grandparents, with the exception of my great aunt, who pretty much was an extra grandparent. She lived with us until she died when I was 11. I think hers was the last funeral I've been to, since I miss my grandfather's last year. I'm down to one grandparent left now.

I don't know how my grandfather can do this. They got married the day after my Grandmom turned 18. They had four sons, eight grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. It's been 67 years. Almost 68. Her birthday is Nov 27th, and their anniversary is the 28th. My birthday is the 29th - we've always celebrated all those things together and... and it's going to be so weird not having that anymore.

When I was little and would spend the night at her house, she would always read me this book, The Diggingest Dog, and we'd always cook dinner together and have ice cream and talk about books. And I think one of the best things I've ever heard was when I heard my grandparents talking the last time I did spend the night about how well I'd grown up, how mature I was. And I'm glad they thought that, because I certainly don't feel like that right now.

iTunes is kicking my ass - playing sad Disney songs I didn't even know I had (hint: Goodbye May Seem Forever from Fox and the Hound is sad on a good day) and other death-y songs (Death Cab for Cutie's What Sarah Said is also a bit of a punch in the face, Yellowcard's Dear Bobbie is also a bad choice). And sometimes I just think of something that reminds me of her - like a line from the book that I can hear in my head in her voice - or that I didn't get to tell her that I finally got somewhere on her line of the family tree project I've been working on. Or my dad was talking about how one of his brother's said he doesn't think he can make it through talking at the funeral - I don't know how I'm going to make it through watching at the funeral.

Not knowing what I believe in makes it even harder to deal with. Because I want there to be something else - I want that sooo much, the belief that I'll get to see her again, her and my other grandparents, everyone else, that I'll get to see Buddy again someday, too. But a part of me doesn't think that that's a thing that can be real. I just don't know. But then I guess no one ever does. It's a sucky headspace to be in, though.

TL;DR :

Today was a looooong day. Dad and I left at like... noon for this concert. And we got home at midnight. Got down to Columbia by like 1:30, grabbed some lunch at the mall (and as opposed to the one in Frostburg, it actually deserves to be called a mall). There was also a wine festival going on in roughly the same location as the concert, so we had to work around that - which entailed a lengthy walk all the way around to the other side of the arena property, most of which was uphill. While that would have been a relative non-issue, Dad and I are both still residually sick (I managed to infect both Mom and Dad over the weekend), and coughing up lungs, so it sucked. Finally found where were supposed to be, roughly five minutes before we were supposed to be there.

Around, 2:50, they let us in for the VIP stuff. Started with seeing the Sugarland sound-check. Got to see them practice Settlin' and Incredible Machine. And then Matt Nathanson (YAY<3) came out to do a cover of R.E.M.'s End Of The World, since yesterday was not the Rapture. After that, they sent us over to some party area, where they gave us food and drink and lame raffle prizes (who wants Sugarland sillybandz, really?) and we chilled there until 6 or so. I was moping for most of this time because by then I had realized that for some baffling, nonsensical reason, the Sugarland Meet&Greet was set to be at 7:45, right in the middle of Matt Nathanson's all-too-brief set.

Anyway, chilled at the seats until 7:25, when Matt started. He played Car Crash, some songs from his new album (Modern Love, out June 21), Room At The End Of The World and Faster, and then he pulled Christian Bush (guy from Sugarland) out for Come On Get Higher. I stayed at the seats snapping away pictures until 7:44, right in the middle of that song to go for the Meet&Greet. I missed the tail end of that and an awesome cover of 'Don't Stop Believing' so I could stand in line until 8:00.

The Meet&Greet went smoothly and quickly, got pictures and they gave us signed 8x10's to speed things up. I was still relatively sulky, but it was cool. Grabbed some drinks and got back down around halfway through Little Big Town's set. They played Little White Church and The Reason Why while we were waiting in the Meet$Greet line and a few other songs I didn't know, but they still had several to go when we got back. We got back just as they were starting Bring It On Home, and then they covered (awesome awesome awesome) Lady Gaga's Born This Way, all countrified. It was impressive. Also played Shut Up Train, All The Way Down, Runaway Train, and ended with Boondocks.

Sugarland came on at like 9:15 or so, played til almost 11. Setlist (though sadly, I didn't get it):
All We Are, Stuck Like Glue, It Happens, Settlin’, Tonight, All I Wanna Do, Incredible Machine, Every Girl Like Me, Little Miss, Run (song from Matt Nathanson’s new CD, co-written/performed with Sugarland <3), Baby Girl, Everyday America – (Forget You, Hit Me Baby One More Time, something I didn’t recognize, and Bootylicious medley), Stay, Find The Beat Again – Sweet Caroline, Who Says You Can’t Go Home, and Something More. Then encored with the Incredible Machine Interlude, Stand Up, covered Madonna’s Like A Prayer with Little Big Town, and then finished with End Of The World with Little Big Town and Matt Nathanson.

It was fun, but needed waaaaay more Matt.

Also, I still haven't decided on a topic. You guys are apparently really for Harry Houdini as a topic, so that's pretty high on the list.

A. Feeling a little bit better today. Still not done with the coughing. Might actually venture out of the house tomorrow (for fun and for work), so yay. And I'm back to work on the New Year's Challenge fics I kind of stalled out on.

B. Oleander House = Done. (Though, reading paranormal novels at 3am? Not a good idea. A completely dark room feels oddly creeptastic after that.)

C. Post a sentence (or two or a paragraph) from as many of your WIPs as you want, with no explanation attached. As usual, all Jason/Spinelli.

1. He wants to sleep. God, does he want to sleep, but Jason starts shaking him if he even closes his eyes for more than a few seconds, tells him to stay awake and pay attention, that they’ll stop soon and it’ll be better, he promises. And Spinelli trusts that.

2. Jason finds himself a good hiding spot and pointedly forces himself to ignore the pang of hunger that stabs through him every few seconds. He sits, huddled into himself, licking the blood from his fur – since when does he have fur? – and claws – those are new, too. With a startling amount of self-control and restraint, he stays there until he passes out several hours later, knowing that he never, ever, ever wants this to happen to him again.

3. His attention, terrified and frantic, turns to Spinelli’s prone form on the ground. He’s splattered with zombie brains and if he’s been infected Jason had might as well end it for both of them right now. Somehow. If he could ever manage to bring himself to slay Spinelli.

4. Upon his return to the waiting area, he finds that the hustle and bustle behind the curtain beside Hardison’s has spiked significantly and that a rather thuggish looking figure is lurking just outside of it. Said thuggish figure, Eliot’s trained eyes note, is also apparently armed.

5. Damian Spinelli, half-drowsing in the summer sun, found himself abruptly startled back into total consciousness. His supposed best friend had evidently found it both amusing and necessary to douse his sun warmed skin in comparatively chilly ocean water. Spluttering and shivering at the sudden shock as he pulled his thoroughly soaked long-sleeved surfer shirt away from his skin, he hopped his way out of the trap of a beach chair he’d laid down on some time ago. “That was a most superfluous action, Maximista.”

6. “Wait.” House interrupts, grabbing up the file. The name catches his attention. “The kids name is Damian Spinelli, seriously?”

7. The noises start up again a few minutes later, only this time they’re coming from outside. He can hear odd scratching noises and something that sounds like a cross between laughter and growling. He doesn’t know why the thought hadn’t occurred to him before. Someone outside of the house could have been causing the majority of this ill-intentioned mischief. Surely some power source is located outside. And the internet lines – they could have messed with Spinelli’s computer that way, right? It doesn’t explain everything, but it explains enough for Jason to risk leaving Spinelli alone to go check out the sounds.

8. There’s indistinguishable radio chatter over some sort of high-tech comm. system, and then the all too recognizable sound of gunfire comes again. All Jason can think is that they had orders to kill Spinelli if they couldn’t take him, but the feel of a bullet ripping through his shoulder - about the only part of him they can get a clear shot at with Spinelli in front of him - tells him otherwise.

9. Through the balcony off-setting their room, Spinelli and Jason stare out at the ocean, stretched out endlessly in front of them. Just blue forever until the horizon line finally turns deep blue water into the light blue sky.

10. This is beyond confusing. Jason Morgan does not do anxious and awkward kissing scenes. At all. Especially with his self proclaimed protégé. Jason is all confidence and the epitome of manliness that his grasshopper has long since been trying to emulate. Despite this distinct contradiction against everything Spinelli thought he knew of his mentor, he nods and then Jason is kissing him again.

11. More and more startling news came up in the course of investigating this nightmare, Jason thought. First, he had to cope with the fact that Spinelli wasn’t the blameless victim of some opportunistic abductor, but rather that he’d put himself in harm’s way with no form of backup. Now, Jason had to process the realization that if he had taken mere moments longer in getting to Spinelli – if he’d so much as taken a wrong turn or waited a bit longer before he started looking – it could have been too late. Spinelli would have been dead. Not only that, but it also meant that Spinelli hadn’t been meant to escape. It meant that Spinelli had seen or heard something that was potentially damning to the man who’d done this, and that meant that Spinelli could still be at risk.

12. Intending to make his escape before Spinelli could wake up, Jason stood, planning to head for the door, but Spinelli was mumbling away again, and a hand shot out from under the covers to catch his wrist. Amongst the incomprehensible babble, was a clear request, “stay.”

So, still sick. Which sucks, majorly. I've had a collective five hours of sleep over the last two nights because I can't stop coughing. It's so annoying. I can't wait to not be sick. I have, however, watched like every Scooby Doo episode ever (Where are You!, Scooby Doo Show, and what was released on DVD for New Scooby Doo Movies) along with most of the movies (Boo Brothers, Reluctant Werewolf, Ghoul School, Zombie Island, Witch's Ghost, and Alien Invaders) along with the only one of the CGI movies I can stand to watch (Mystery Begins). And, no I don't care that I'm 20 years old and watching Scooby Doo. At all.

It was also funny watching everyone freak out over the two inches of snow we got down here. Schools closed all over the place and it was funny knowing that if I were still in Frostburg, we most assuredly would have still had classes. And hearing people whine about 25/30 degrees being cold is just laughable.

Did get a book read in my state of forced-insomnia, though. Seven Tears Into The Sea = Done.

Hopefully I'll be not-sick enough to go to work on Friday.

So I'm sick again. WTF is up with this? I spend 3 months at school living in fairly close contact with something like 300 people and don't get sick even once, and then I come home and live with 3 people and end up sick twice within 3 weeks? WTF immune system?

Also, I'm kind of annoyed that I got sucked into going to work tonight. Aside from getting paid. Not pissed about that. but, I didn't feel good and I was supposed to train this new girl on how to assemble Mom/Baby charts, and we got to work and found out she wasn't there. It was the entire reason I was working tonight - luckily we ended up with a shit ton of discharges so at least I had something to do all night. Now I have to train her tomorrow while also trying to do my job?

I have a few more challenge things to do for my New Years comment!fic thing. No worries - I'm just being slow, they'll get done. And apparently I have one from like... October that I forgot about. Oops. And I also have fan-art to make and something like 12 fic ideas running around in my head that are not helping the constant state of headache I am presently in. I also need to post my Yuletide fic - Zombieland - and edit one of the comment!fic responses I did get finished and then post that.

All of that would be a lot easier if I didn't feel like something was trying to claw out the sides of my throat.

2 Videos today... Or rather songs. Not much to the videos.






Still sick, but going into work for a few hours tonight. Blargh. This sucks.

Hnng. This is miserable. Apparently my immune system is totally fine with living with 300 people for 3 months, but living with 3 people for 3 days is just insanity. *goes back to bed*

Mrngh, sick. This sucks.

1. So, I went to see my school put on Martin Sherman's play Bent.

Plot summary: Berlin, 1934. Lovers Max and Rudy are leading a rather frivolous life. After a night of debauchery, they are suddenly faced with a Gestapo raid, which sends them on a nightmare odyssey through Nazi Germany. In the camps, since homosexuals are ranked lower on the human scale than Jews, Max bribes a guard to obtain a Jewish star in lieu of a pink triangle. There Max meets Horst, a fellow prisoner who makes him confront his own humanity.

And, that really isn't an adequate description of the play at all, but without spoiling it, that's what it is...

It  starts out hilarious and adorable and then very rapidly turns into something that is completely heart-shattering and heart-breaking and very, very, very sad. And then it stays very, very, very sad. 

I am also convinced at the this point that Matchbox Twenty's song Bent (Jeez, especially this video, twas not what I expected the video to be about. I was expecting more romance-y stuff) is all about this movie. Even though it's supposedly not. And also, supposedly there is a movie based on the play that I want to see.

2. Also, i feel sick. Blargh.

1. Ask me my Top Five Whatevers. Fannish or literary or otherwise. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! Fandoms, ice cream flavours, cartoon moments, women/men in my fandoms, OTPs, ideal holiday destinations, goals for the future, celebrity crushes, books I wish would be made into movies, love songs. And I will answer them all in comments/in a new entry.

2. Also, Burn Notice. Hnnnnnnnng. Is it next week yet? And I am itching to write fic for BN now. That is all.

ETA: 3. Damn it, knew I was sick. Stupid double ear-infections strike again. Whatever. Won't be sick when school starts since I caught it early. It is scary how good I am at catching these.

4. Phantom Stallion: Blue Wings = Done.

5. Happy Birthday to Caspian and Castiel. And by that I obviously mean Ben Barnes and Misha Collins. <3