(no subject)

[csi_sanders1129]

Rest in Peace, Grandmom, I love you. I'll miss you. So much.
11/27/1928 - 10/21/2013

So, my grandmother died today. We knew it was coming. She's been in the hospital for a while now, and she'd been in hospice since last Tuesday. Dad and his brothers had all been taking turns staying with her, and the doctor's had been saying 'any time now' and 'soon' all week. It was this morning, around 9, while he and his oldest brother were there. She'd had Shingles, and then developed pneumonia and some other unknown infection and didn't get better. We saw her on Monday, before they moved her out of the hospital. She recognized us, asked about the Ravens game, told my brother he looked good after his surgery.

God, it was hard.

We've always been close. She was the closest out of all my grandparents, with the exception of my great aunt, who pretty much was an extra grandparent. She lived with us until she died when I was 11. I think hers was the last funeral I've been to, since I miss my grandfather's last year. I'm down to one grandparent left now.

I don't know how my grandfather can do this. They got married the day after my Grandmom turned 18. They had four sons, eight grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. It's been 67 years. Almost 68. Her birthday is Nov 27th, and their anniversary is the 28th. My birthday is the 29th - we've always celebrated all those things together and... and it's going to be so weird not having that anymore.

When I was little and would spend the night at her house, she would always read me this book, The Diggingest Dog, and we'd always cook dinner together and have ice cream and talk about books. And I think one of the best things I've ever heard was when I heard my grandparents talking the last time I did spend the night about how well I'd grown up, how mature I was. And I'm glad they thought that, because I certainly don't feel like that right now.

iTunes is kicking my ass - playing sad Disney songs I didn't even know I had (hint: Goodbye May Seem Forever from Fox and the Hound is sad on a good day) and other death-y songs (Death Cab for Cutie's What Sarah Said is also a bit of a punch in the face, Yellowcard's Dear Bobbie is also a bad choice). And sometimes I just think of something that reminds me of her - like a line from the book that I can hear in my head in her voice - or that I didn't get to tell her that I finally got somewhere on her line of the family tree project I've been working on. Or my dad was talking about how one of his brother's said he doesn't think he can make it through talking at the funeral - I don't know how I'm going to make it through watching at the funeral.

Not knowing what I believe in makes it even harder to deal with. Because I want there to be something else - I want that sooo much, the belief that I'll get to see her again, her and my other grandparents, everyone else, that I'll get to see Buddy again someday, too. But a part of me doesn't think that that's a thing that can be real. I just don't know. But then I guess no one ever does. It's a sucky headspace to be in, though.

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