Fic: If That's How You're Gonna Leave

[csi_sanders1129]

Title: If That's How You're Gonna Leave
Chapters: 1/1
Author: csi_sanders1129 
Genre: Angst. Romance. Songfic.
Ratings: K+
Word Count: ~2625
Pairings/Characters: TommyMerton.
Synopsis: How do you make yourself leave when it’s the last thing in the world you’d ever want to do? When leaving is something you swore you’d never do?
Comments: Okay, had this plotted out a while ago. Has nothign to do with 'Don't LookBack' though it kinda follows the same kind of idea. This was actually started first and has been sitting in a notebook for several months. I was playing around with POV's and stuff. Characters not mine. Song isn't mine either. Enjoy!
 

The POV alternates between Tommy and Merton. The first part is Tommy, then Merton, then Tommy... etc...

If That’s How You’re Gonna Leave

How do you make yourself leave when it’s the last thing in the world you’d ever want to do? When leaving is something you swore you’d never do? Not to him.

He’s been through so much because of you already, but this will be the last thing, you tell yourself. It’s for his own good, you think, as you throw as many articles of clothing into a single duffel bag as humanly possible. You take all of the framed photos you can find of the two of you together, anything that will remind him of you, anything symbolic of your relationship.

He won’t get hurt this way, you reason, giving the house you’ve shared for the past two years one last look over before stepping out the door, your car loaded with your things. You leave your key on the table just inside.

Merton will be better off without you in his life. You can’t hurt him this way.

You’ve been losing control of the wolf lately, and he doesn’t know. It’s happened three times so far. No ones died or gotten hurt, but you don’t want it to escalate, especially if your Merton is around to get caught in the crossfire. You don’t want it to come to that.

So, you run. And don’t look back.

It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

When you come home, you’re expecting to see Tommy there, but his car is gone. He has a big paper due tomorrow, where would he have to go, you wonder. Perhaps he went to get take-out for the two of you. Visions of a pizza, and the two of you curled up on the couch together, watching the new horror movie that came out, fill your mind as you walk toward the door. What you’re not expecting is a home missing half of its possessions. The first thing you see out of place is the signed John Elway rookie card that was framed in the entranceway. You bought it back for Tommy just after you got together.

Wondering why Tommy is redecorating instead of studying, you go upstairs to investigate, only to find all of the photos of the two of you that once lined the wall missing as well.

You check the bedroom next. Tommy’s clothes are gone. All traces of werewolves are gone from the office area, where you’ve kept all of your books from the Lair. Even the files from the computer.

Very close to tears, you spot the gold key sitting on the table by the front door and it finally hits you. He’s left you. He left.

And he has no plans to come back to you.

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

You check into a hotel a few hours from Pleasantville. You’ve set everything up already, you’ve all your college credits, you have an apartment set up to rent starting tomorrow, no one knows you here. Merton won’t find you.

It breaks your heart to think of him. You remember the promise you made him when you asked him to move in with you. You swore that you would never, ever leave him, that even the end of the world could keep you away from him. You make yourself stop dwelling on that, remind yourself that he’s safe this way, but that doesn’t last long. Surely, he’s discovered your disappearance by now, he’s probably going out of his mind…

Your hand travels to the hotel phone, but you stop yourself.

You haven’t slept alone since your first day of college, and the wolf already misses the scent of Merton lying next to you. Tossing and turning all night long, you never do fall asleep.

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

You’ve called –everyone- you can think of, but either no one knows where Tommy is or they’re simply not telling you. Even his parent’s don’t seem to know. The school says it’s been requested that the information not be released.

Tears in your eyes, you’re reduced to a sobbing wreck on your bedroom floor. Tommy can’t be gone, he just simply cannot be. Despite the crazy things they’ve gone through since the start of their senior year, nothing would explain this. Because Tommy Dawkins doesn’t break his promises.

Did he get tired of me? Did he find someone new? What’s wrong with me? A million questions are racing through your head so fast that you feel sick to your stomach.

You can’t think of anything that would have caused him to leave. The two of you seemed so perfect together… It just doesn’t make sense.

Lori comes over, after you’ve called her in absolute hysterics three times, and she insists you try to get some sleep. It’s pointless, you know, but you agree. The queen-sized bed has been stripped and the sheets changed, it doesn’t even smell like Tommy anymore, and it feels much too big without its other occupant present. The smell of your laundry detergent is nauseating without the scent of Tommy mixed with it.

You don’t sleep at all.

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

The next morning, you prepare to start your new life, the one without the best friend and lover you’ve ever had. The one where you’re alone. The new apartment is much smaller than the one you shared with Merton was, and it reeks of cigarette smoke, drugs, and booze, but its cheap and close to the new campus. It will have to do.

The woman you’re renting from doesn’t ask questions, but she gives you a look, and the wolf can sense what she wants. You shake your head, pulling out the one photo of the two of you together you’ve allowed yourself to keep out of storage. She seems to get the message.

You know you’ll never love anyone but Merton. Can’t imagine being with anyone but him, yet at the same time, here you are without him beside you.

Too bad he can never know why you’ve left like this. He probably hates you for doing this to him.

It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

By morning, you are nothing more than a very exhausted, both in the physical and emotional sense of the word, wreck and you are just about at your wit’s end. You’re about five seconds away from calling the police, the FBI, the CIA, anyone who could find Tommy for you, but you’ve rationalized through the night that if something has happened with the wolf that might not be the greatest idea in the world.

You’ve taken to sitting by the telephone, staring, and waiting, praying for Tommy to call.

Lori tries to get you to eat something, but you refuse. Your stomach wouldn’t tolerate that anyway.

By noon, your pacing has very nearly driven Lori insane and you lose it. You blow up. Why did he leave? He promised me he wouldn’t! Why didn’t he tell me? I love him! Why!? I have to know, why! You scream, and that’s just the beginning. You yell and sob until you can’t anymore.

It doesn’t solve anything, though. He’s still not coming home.

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just couldn’t ever let you get away from me

It’s been nearly two weeks now, and you’ve settled in. Your new school is pretty boring, lonesome without Merton there with you, but it’s slowly becoming something close to bearable for you. The football team is better that State’s, which means you have more practices, you don’t complain because it keeps your mind off of Merton. At least for a while, anyway.

The first game you have is against State, though, and you try to get out of it, but you can’t. It’s an important game and the coach wants you on the field. So you suck it up and start planning everything you’ll need to do to elude your best friend while there.

Turns out, you don’t have much to worry about, because he isn’t there.

However, Lori is. And you know by the look in her eyes when she sees you from the stand that you are in trouble. The next time you look back, she’s standing off to the side, with a cell phone at her ear.

After the game, which your team loses – mostly because your concentration escapes you the seconds you realize what she’s done – she storms into the locker room. This is a men’s locker room, you try to reason with her, but she’s having none of it. Then what are you doing in here? She snipes, dragging you out.

After that, you don’t have a chance to get a word in at all. How could you do that to him? You know he’s missed all of his classes since you left. What were you thinking!? He’s miserable without you! I should hurt you…

Her tangent ends when another figure appears.

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

You’re on the computer when she calls, searching for any leads as to where Tommy might be. It’s what you’ve done with most of your time since he left. You barely realize the phone is ringing. When you pick up, you reply with a morose Hello. And the next thing you know…

Tommy the traitor is playing for the other team at the football game. I’ll keep him here when the games over, so get down here. She tells you, and you’re heading toward the door before you even end the call.

About five minutes later, you realize you have no idea how to react to Tommy’s return. Then you remind yourself that he didn’t return, he’s not here to come back to you, he’s here because of a game. He transferred schools, obviously, to get away from you. Self-doubt, that’s where your thoughts have traveled as of late, your mind grasping for a reason he up and left you.

When you see him, you feel your world start to implode around you. This meeting will ultimately determine the rest of your life. Because life without Tommy is not life at all.

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Merton, please, don’t… You beg, but looking at him, you realize you owe him this much. You owe him an explanation. He’s paler than usual, which you didn’t think was possible. He looks like he hasn’t slept since you left, his eyes seem swollen, outlined, and bloodshot in the bright fluorescent lights, and he seems to have lost quite a bit of weight.

Why? You swallow all the emotions threatening to erupt when he chokes out that one word.

You look away, knowing if you look him in the eye you’ll never be able to stay away. You don’t deserve him anymore… not after this. I… it’s for your own good. You assure him, and move to step away.

Lori is blocking the door, fixing you with a glare that just dares you to try to run out of here, so you cross the room, putting as much distance between yourself and Merton as possible. You… I can’t hurt you. Can’t let that happen. You are safer without me. You repeat the mantra you’ve been telling yourself this whole time.

Merton, you know, is having none of it, though.

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me

Fine. You know what? You shout at Tommy, the last of your resolve slipping as you approach. Fine, leave. But, look me in the eyes and tell me what the hell I did to deserve this! Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me!

You grip his strong shoulders, and by now, tears are streaming down both of your faces.

Tell me! You demand, shaking him. He’s not answering, though, just staring down at you, eye not meeting. You bury your head against his chest out of habit, begging him to answer.

He does, just not how you’d expected.

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

You shift to kiss him. One last kiss, you tell yourself, wrapping an arm around him for one last touch, and you inhale one last time, catching his scent fused with yours and committing all of this to memory. You make him look at you, then. Finally catch his eye.

I… I don’t… You start, but his crystal blue eyes red-rimmed from days spent crying meet yours and you just freeze. Everything stops and you realize you cannot physically do this to him. You know it’s for the best, but… you can’t.

You’re being selfish, you tell yourself, but it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s seen the hesitation in your eyes now and he knows he can win this.

I’m losing control. And I don’t want you to get hurt because of me. You give an honest answer and push him away. I… I’ll always love you, but I can’t let you get hurt. I won’t.

He just stares.

Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out

You would never hurt me. You answer, refusing to release the vice grip you’re holding on his arm. I am the one person you can’t hurt.

Tommy looks confused. I know… I couldn’t stand it if you got hurt… That’s why I’m doing this. You have to understand. He says, eyes pleading for you to do so.

No! You don’t get it. A werewolf will never, ever hurt their mate. You offer a bit of lycanthropic knowledge to help your argument. You would die before you hurt me, or let me get hurt. You pause, letting that sink in before continuing. Tommy, I’ll help you. I’ll help you figure out how to control it… we’ll find a way. But… please, come home.

Merton… He says softly, and the last of the defiance in his eyes seems to fade.

You close the distance between the two of you again, your head in the curve of his shoulder. You have to stay with me. I can’t… I need to be with you…

He hushes you, running a hand through your hair, and you practically melt with the contact. I’ll come home, he swears, I’ll come home and I’ll never leave you again.

The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

 

Comments

[gottabefierce.livejournal.com]

I miss this show but most of all...I miss playing Merton! *Cries* I was Merton in a slash Rp for a long while and I miss playing him. Anyways, I'm glad that the fandom is still alive and kicking because these two are great together and your story is so sweet:). Thanks for keeping it up.

[csi-sanders1129.livejournal.com]

No worries, I have no intention to stop writing them. I miss the show, too. xD I'd like spontaneously combust if I lost my episodes. <3