csi_sanders1129 | Fic: What I Meant To Say

Title: What I Meant To Say
Chapters: 1/1
Author:

csi_sanders1129
Genre: Drama. Angst. Romance.
Ratings: M, for language.
Word Count: ~2,200
Pairings/Characters: Jason Morgan/Damian Spinelli
Synopsis: Jason offers some constructive criticism on The Secret Life of Damian Spinelli.
Comments: This started as my own personal ranting in opposition to the book. It turned into Jason confronting Spinelli over the book. And then it got out of control and turned into this. It did not go where I had planned, but I am okay with that. Also, it references some plotlines that are presently on GH that I have been trying my hardest to avoid even knowing about – it also attempts to fix them. Characters not mine, feedback is awesome, please enjoy!

Spinelli finds himself abruptly pulled out of his intense focus on his computer when a copy of his book drops unceremoniously onto the desk beside his trusty cyber companion. He jumps, hits a bunch of random keys that are going to set him back more than an hour on his coding, and looks up to see his Stone Cold mentor staring down at him. He does not look pleased.

"What is this?" Jason asks, because he seriously can't comprehend what he just read.

It would be an understatement to say that Spinelli is surprised that Jason bothered to read his book at all, especially in light of the recent happenings with Jake's untimely death, but this out of nowhere criticism catches him even more off-guard. "What do you mean, Stone Cold?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Spinelli," the older man says, folding his arms over his chest and offering a pointed glare.

Spinelli bites his lip and kind of protectively curls in on himself. "Ah… Would this happen to be about the chapter in which you play a rather substantial part?" He dares to question what he suspects is Jason's problem with his book.

"While I am not particularly thrilled with your rendition of 'Some Like It Hot,' no, that is not what I'm talking about – though if Edward, my grandfather," he stresses, "ever had that conversation with you, I think my head might implode."

Again, he's surprised. This time it's because Jason's not commenting on the whole cross-dressing part of that admittedly borrowed and mayhaps slightly fictionalized tale; actually he's surprised Jason got the reference to the film at all. "If not that, then perhaps the chapter on Monica? Or Edward? Or, dare I ask, Fair Elizabeth?"

"No, no, and no." Jason counters.

"The Jackal is at a loss, then, as to what precisely you mean in your critique."

Jason sighs and moves to sprawl across the couch a few feet away. "I thought you were done doing this, Spinelli. Pretending to be someone you aren't."

Spinelli's confusion mixes with even more surprise and more than a little bit of hurt. "That is your primary complaint?"

"Yeah. That's part of it. All those stories didn't happen, and you're making things up because you feel like you need to be this superhero for people to like you."

The Jackal frowns at him and drops his gaze to the floor. "That's not true."

Jason laughs (and it might be the first time Spinelli's heard that sound since – well, since Jake. He just wishes it weren't directed at him), "That's funny, I don't remember cross-dressing and last time I checked you weren't Tony Curtis. I'm also fairly certain you were never a doctor given that one time you almost passed out when you saw the stitches in my shoulder after I got shot. And I know you can't fight because I've seen you try."

Now Spinelli just looks defensive and kind of broken. "Okay, so the Jackal may have added in some literary embellishments for the purposes of the book."

"That's kind of an understatement, Spinelli," Jason counters.

"Not all of them were fictitious, though," the hacker continues, "and some were merely exaggerated claims. As Stone Cold may recall, the two of us did, indeed, end up on the run from rival mobsters while you and Fair Samantha were having… difficulties."

Jason sighs, Spinelli's still not getting it. "Alright, so some of it happened. But are you telling me you got shot in South America? Or saved Johnny with the help of Russian circus clowns?"

Spinelli looks away again. "Those things didn't happen, Stone Cold correctly presumes. But is it so wrong for the Jackal to have an escape into a world where he is not simply glorified tech support? Is it so wrong to want to be the hero of the story for once?" Before Jason can really react to that surprising outburst, Spinelli is up and headed toward the door.

"Whoa, wait," Jason says, cutting him off. Instinct makes him settle between his self-proclaimed protégé and the rest of the world. "Don't. Hear me out before you go storming off, at least."

He reluctantly allows himself to be led to the couch. Jason sits on the coffee table in front of him, effectively preventing any escape attempts. "Fine."

"You don't need to perform brain surgery or go ghost-hunting to be a hero, Spinelli."

"Of course you would say that. As much as you deny it, you are the archetypal super hero of Port Charles," Spinelli says, rolling his eyes for good measure. "If you had penned a book of such memoirs, no one would question the likelihood of your actions as the ultimate protagonist of the tale." There's more than a little hurt and jealousy evident in Spinelli's tone and Jason does not miss it by any means.

Jason shakes his head. How can Spinelli still think stupid things like that about him when he knows so much? "I am not a hero, Spinelli," he says, voice low and edging on dangerous. "I've killed people. I've been in prison. Hell, I've killed people in prison. I am the reason that people close to me get hurt, that people close to me have died. And none of that was because I am a hero. And you need to understand that about me."

"But, the Jackal-"

"No. Not done yet," Jason cuts him off. "You don't want to be like me, you're not like me. You… you're good, Spinelli. You don't walk into buildings and think about the likelihood of bullets coming at you or get into cars and wonder if someone set it to explode the second you turn the key. You're smart and trusting and loyal and hopelessly oblivious to how this business works, even with how much of it you've seen, and that's a good thing. It is. It means you're not like me, or Sonny, or Johnny, or Alcazar, or Anthony."

Spinelli looks like he wants to argue against the uncharacteristically loquacious response of Jason's, but he stays silent and takes in the words.

"Why do you want to be someone you're not?" Jason asks, "Don't you understand how much you mean to the people who care about you – to me, because of who you actually are?" Jason is well aware that he sounds like some sort of Afterschool Special, but this needs to be said. "I don't need another me around here, Spinelli. Port Charles has more than enough jaded gangsters, alright?"

"Maybe," Spinelli starts, and his voice shakes in a way that makes Jason dread whatever the rest of this sentence is going to entail, "maybe the Jackal should depart Port Charles, then, if that is how Stone Cold feels on the matter…"

"And why would I want that?" He counters. He is unwilling to admit just how much the mere idea of Spinelli not being here affects him.

The hacker frowns and tries yet again to escape. "Just...don't..." he says, even as Jason catches his arm. "It doesn't matter anyway; clearly the Jackal has overstayed his welcome at Casa de Stone Cold."

"How can you even think that, much less say it?" Jason snaps back at him before he barely finishes the statement. His grip is solid on his protégé's arm – and the fact that he refers to Spinelli as his protégé should've maybe been a hint a long time ago that something was seriously off in their relationship – because he's not letting Spinelli leave. Not like this. "How are you not getting this? I like you because you're you, because you're not like me. Fuck, apparently I love you for all the reasons you don't like you."

This stops Spinelli dead in his no-longer-retreating tracks. Jason… what?

"I like that you can't fight, can't shoot. I like that I can usually always tell when you're trying to lie. I like the way you talk and your nicknames and that there's always orange soda and barbeque chips all over the kitchen. I like that you trust people easily, even though it gets you into trouble sometimes. You're loyal and brilliant and I have no idea why you think people don't like you – and if they don't? Then they're idiots and they don't deserve to be around you." Spinelli is completely speechless, in a rare twist of fate, so Jason keeps talking. "Maybe the reason we're having this conversation is that I don't deserve you, either. I know that I don't treat you like I should, that I take you for granted and let Sonny and Maxie and Sam walk all over you sometimes, and I do, too. You could be doing fantastic things with your computer skills, but instead I dragged you into this life, and if you really want to leave, if you ever want to leave, I would probably let you go, help you get out. But, if you stay, and I do want you stay – but the real you, not this Sam Spade version of you – then I'm sorry. And I promise to do better."

Spinelli is absolutely floored by this lengthy discourse from his typically less than talkative mentor. And he's starting to get it, really, even if his brain is still stuck back on Jason's 'apparently, I love you,' comment.

Jason watches him carefully, waiting for Spinelli to say something. Every few seconds he opens his mouth like he's going to offer some sort of response, but he closes it again, rejecting each of his own replies – 'But Stone Cold did not force the Jackal into his present situation, it was my choice to work for you, with you, and you are surely not to blame for that and' – 'You love me?' – 'But what if the Jackal prefers the Sam Spade version to the original version?' – 'And what do you mean, 'you love me'?'

Eventually he settles on a quiet, barely audible "You love me?" He swallows loudly and adds, "Like… like a brother?" He says the words carefully, mostly because even though he hadn't ever really considered this a possibility, he kind of really wants them to be wrong.

"No." His mentor's answer is definitive and unquestionable. If he weren't hoping for a different answer, he might've been upset by such a sound answer that effectively boots him out of Jason's family. "Not like a brother." Not like AJ, is what Jason means; Spinelli's been a big part of his family for a while now.

"Like an annoying roommate who's good with computers?"

"You mean like someone I'd keep around and put up with just for their skills? Also no. We've covered this, haven't we? We've already established that I like the you that I get to see, and that includes you as my roommate." Somehow, he's still holding onto Spinelli's arm, though his grip has relaxed substantially now that the younger man isn't threatening to up and leave. He shifts his hold, now catching Spinelli's hand; his thumb moves automatically, tracing patterns on the hacker's smooth skin. Before Spinelli can go and ask him another question to qualify Jason's admittance, he acts first. "I mean that I love you, okay?" He kisses Spinelli before any further comment can be made.

A few seconds pass in which Spinelli doesn't react. He hasn't quite caught up to what's going on, still hung up on the words and not the actions – which is so, so, so appropriate because Spinelli is words and Jason is actions and so maybe they kind of fit like that – but eventually he realizes that Jason is kissing him and even though he hadn't really known he'd wanted this, he wants it now and he's not missing the opportunity.

"Okay," Spinelli says, the word coming out muffled because he's very much otherwise occupied in kissing back. Jason's hands move to pull Spinelli in closer, and he takes advantage of Spinelli's open mouth to ratchet things up a level or two, tongue and teeth working together to shatter whatever resolve Spinelli has left that would keep him arguing about the pros and cons of emulating a cynical 1930's private investigator.

Jason breaks the kiss, but only to press light, biting kisses along Spinelli's jaw and neck. A hand slides under the hacker's shirt, which is fine because Spinelli's are working at Jason's black t-shirt, too. "Good," he counters, hoping that maybe he'll see a little bit more of the real Spinelli, of his Spinelli, after this.

***

And, if this conversation happens to have any bearing on the foreseeable future, like Jason wants it to, maybe things will be different. Maybe, after a tense stand-off, some truly heroic actions, a bullet that Spinelli shouldn't have had to take on Maxie's behalf, and a surgery he nearly doesn't make it through, he'll wake up and see Jason. And he'll say something like, "The Ace of Cyberspace regretfully informs his beloved Stone Cold that he is still impressively terrible at avoiding bullets, apparently," and Jason will say something like, "Fuck, I'm glad you're okay," and keep on holding tight to Spinelli's hand, and Maxie will be waiting outside and the only mentions of cynical 1930's private investigators will be when Jason and Spinelli are watching The Maltese Falcon on the hacker's trusty cyber companion once they're safely back at Casa de Stone Cold.